Post Traumatic Stress

Yeah, I get it. Really bad day, 6 years ago today. You know how I know? 'Cause I was THERE.

I was in the basement after the first one, I was all of a 3 blocks away for the second one. I smelled the smoke. I got jet fuel and asbestos in my hair. I saw the buildings come down first-hand. I walked from the World Trade Center to the Staten Island Ferry to 14th Street to the ferry pier at 34th St in high heels and I had the blisters to show for it. I stopped in a bar I knew to wash my hands and face and they gave me a beer, said I looked like I needed it. I stood in line for hours, covered with dirt and ash, to get on a boat to get me off of Manhattan. I saw 7 World Trade come down seemingly spontaneously as the ferry was pulling into Hoboken Terminal. Once I got there I was sent to "decontamination" where the Fire Department sprayed me off, head to toe, high heels and bag and all, with water.

Worst of all was the moment when the explosion of the second plane. A noise loud enough to knock all thought out of your head, except "This is it, isn't it. This is how it ends." Except it wasn't, it was only smoke and stench and panicked people running. The rest of the day was spent choosing the next place to go... if I can make it to 14th St, it'll be okay - no, the subways aren't running. Um, if Flannery's is open, maybe I can sit down for a minute - well, at least I can drink a pint (they were right, I needed it). If I can only get to the PATH at 34th St, I can get home - um, no PATH service. Isn't there a boat terminal around here somewhere? Well, yes there is - and there's a line literally a mile long. 9 hours later, I limped in my front door wearing bedroom slippers I bought somewhere along the way in a Rite Aid.

A lot of people have a lot to remember today. There's a palpable grief in the air as thousands of people remember that 6 years ago today they lost so many loved ones, so suddenly, so shockingly. I don't know how those people feel today - does the incessant reminders, rememberances and memorials feel like a fitting tribute? Maybe so, and if that's the case I don't begrudge it. But it isn't news - the news happened six years ago. Today's media coverage is a rerun.

But for me, it was something completely different, something unforgettable that doesn't need a TV special. I'd like to say that on every September 11th, I recommit to the decision I made then: to go on with my life and work without submitting to fear. But there's no bravery in it, just momentum that keeps me doing what has to be done - the same momentum that eventually got me home that day. Six years later, there is only resignation and a bone-deep weariness of the hatred and violence of man.